…. (And What Your Values Have to Do With It)
Have you ever found yourself struggling with a decision that, logically, shouldn’t be that difficult to make?
You’ve considered your options, weighed the pros and cons, and perhaps even asked a few people you trust for their opinions. You’ve looked at the situation from different perspectives, thought about what could go wrong, and imagined what might happen if you chose one direction over another.
And yet, here you are, still going back and forth.
What’s interesting is that you probably make decisions all the time. Some of them are quite complex, and you’ve learned to navigate those situations with confidence. You’re used to figuring things out, taking responsibility, and finding solutions.
So why does this particular decision feel so difficult?
Well, what if the real problem isn’t that you don’t know what to do? What if there’s something happening underneath the surface that you haven’t even considered?
What if you’re not actually struggling with the decision itself, but with two competing priorities that are equally important to you?
This is something I find fascinating in my work with clients, because very often, when someone feels stuck, the issue isn’t necessarily a lack of information or an inability to make a decision. It’s that they’re experiencing an internal conflict without being fully aware of what’s creating it.
And until they recognize that conflict, they can keep going around in circles, trying to solve a problem they don’t completely understand.
When Two Things You Value Are Pulling You in Different Directions
Let me give you an example.
Imagine that freedom is one of your most important personal values. You love having independence, flexibility, and the ability to decide how you want to live and work. You appreciate having choices and knowing that you’re in charge of your own direction.
But at the same time, you also deeply value stability. You want to feel secure, know what to expect, and have some certainty about the future.
Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with valuing both freedom and stability. In fact, both can play an important role in creating a fulfilling life.
But what happens when you’re facing a decision that seems to require choosing one over the other?
Perhaps one option gives you more freedom but comes with less predictability. The other offers greater stability, but you know you’ll have to give up some of the independence you enjoy.
Suddenly, neither option feels completely right.
You can see the benefits of both, but you can also see what you might be losing. And the more you think about it, the more difficult the decision becomes.
Why?
Because you’re not simply choosing between two options anymore. You’re trying to reconcile two values that seem to be in conflict with each other.
And here’s the interesting part. You might not even realize that’s what’s happening.
You may think you’re being indecisive, overthinking, or perhaps just not ready to make a commitment. But underneath all that thinking, there’s a much deeper question you’re trying to answer.
Which of these two important things am I willing to compromise?
And that’s not always an easy question to answer, especially when you haven’t consciously identified what those values are in the first place.
The Values We Don’t Even Realize Are Driving Our Decisions
We all have a personal value system. It’s part of what influences our choices, our behavior, our priorities, and ultimately, how satisfied we feel with the lives we’re creating.
But here’s something I often find surprising.
Most people have never intentionally taken the time to explore their own values.
If I asked you right now to name your ten most important personal values, would you be able to do it?
You might immediately think of a few. Perhaps freedom, family, integrity, achievement, security, or personal growth. But could you confidently identify your top ten? And more importantly, would you know which ones are influencing the decisions you’re struggling with today?
For many people, the answer is no.
Not because they don’t have values, but because they’ve never really stopped to examine them.
And this is exactly why I use the Personal Value Discovery Exercise as part of my 5R Shift Method. It helps people explore their personal value system, including values they may not have consciously recognized before.
Because once you begin to understand what truly matters to you, you can start recognizing something else that’s incredibly important.
Sometimes, the reason you’re feeling stuck is that you’re honoring one of your values while compromising another.
And both of those values may be very important to you.
Think about that for a moment.
You might be making a choice because it gives you security, without realizing how much you’re compromising your need for freedom. Or perhaps you’re pursuing greater independence while overlooking how important stability actually is to you.
Neither choice is automatically right or wrong.
The question is whether you understand what you’re honoring, what you’re giving up, and why.
Because when we consistently act against our most important values, we often experience a sense of internal conflict. We may be achieving what we set out to accomplish, doing everything we believe we’re supposed to do, and still feel dissatisfied or unfulfilled.
Something simply doesn’t feel right.
And sometimes, we can’t even explain why.
The Moment Everything Starts to Make Sense
One of the most powerful moments I experience when working with clients is when they suddenly recognize what’s been happening underneath their decision-making struggle.
It’s almost like watching a light bulb turn on.
They might say something like, “Oh, now I see! I’ve been honoring this value, but at the same time, I’ve been going against another one that’s just as important to me.”
And suddenly, the entire situation begins to look different.
What’s remarkable is that nothing about their external circumstances has necessarily changed. The options are still the same. The consequences still need to be considered. And the decision itself hasn’t magically disappeared.
But their understanding of the problem has changed.
Instead of looking at the situation as an impossible choice between A and B, they can finally recognize the competing values or truths that have been creating the conflict.
And once they see that, something shifts.
What previously felt like an overwhelming dilemma can begin to fall apart. In a good way.
Because they’re no longer trying to solve the wrong problem.
They’re finally looking at what’s really been keeping them stuck.
This is why I believe that getting clearer on a decision often requires us to go beyond the surface.
It’s not simply about asking which option is better. It’s about understanding what matters to us, why it matters, and whether the choices we’re considering are actually aligned with those values.
And sometimes, we also need to recognize that what has served us well in the past may not necessarily be serving us in the same way today.
That’s where the deeper reflection begins.
What If You’ve Already Faced This Decision Before?
Now, I want to be clear about something.
Just because you suddenly recognize your competing values doesn’t mean you should immediately make a decision without considering the consequences.
Clarity is incredibly valuable, but we still need to think about what our choices mean and how they might affect our lives.
And there’s one particular question I love exploring with clients because it can reveal so much.
Where else in your life have you faced a similar conflict?
Not necessarily the same decision or even the same circumstances, but a situation where you were struggling with similar competing values or priorities.
Let me explain what I mean.
Perhaps today you’re facing a decision about your career, and you recognize that freedom and stability are pulling you in different directions.
Now think back to another time in your life when you experienced a similar conflict.
It might have been a decision about where to live, a personal commitment, or something completely unrelated to your career.
The circumstances may have been different, but the underlying values were the same.
What did you decide back then?
Which value did you honor, and which one did you compromise?
And perhaps most importantly, looking back, how did that decision work out for you?
Did it serve you well? Did you feel satisfied with the outcome? Or did you eventually realize that you’d compromised something that was more important to you than you initially understood?
These are powerful questions because our past experiences contain information we can use today.
Sometimes, we discover that we’ve been repeating the same pattern without realizing it. We keep making choices that honor one particular value while consistently compromising another, and then we wonder why we don’t feel completely satisfied with the results.
Other times, we recognize that we’ve already navigated a similar conflict successfully. We made a decision that worked well for us, and we can use that experience to better understand what matters in our current situation.
Either way, we’re gaining insight that goes beyond simply comparing the options in front of us.
We’re beginning to understand our own decision-making patterns.
And that awareness can make a significant difference.
So, How Do You Begin Getting Clearer on Your Decision?
If there’s a decision you’ve been struggling with lately, I’d like to invite you to approach it a little differently.
Instead of immediately going back to your list of pros and cons, take a moment to get curious about what’s happening underneath.
Ask yourself what you’re really trying to protect by choosing one option over another.
What matters so much about that particular choice?
Is it the freedom it gives you? The stability it provides? Or perhaps something else entirely?
Then consider what you might be compromising.
Is there another value that’s equally important to you but isn’t being honored by the option you’re leaning toward?
And if you recognize that two values are competing, don’t immediately assume that one of them has to be wrong.
Two competing truths can both be valid, even when they appear impossible to reconcile.
The important thing is to recognize them and understand how they’re influencing your decision.
From there, you can begin exploring what each choice would mean for you, what you’re gaining or giving up, and whether the direction you’re considering is actually serving you.
And don’t forget to look back at your previous experiences.
Have you been here before? Have you struggled with these same competing priorities in a different situation? And what did that experience teach you?
You may discover that you already have more information about this decision than you thought.
It just wasn’t the kind of information you’d been looking for.
Sometimes the Answer Isn’t More Thinking
I think one of the most interesting things about decision-making is how easily we assume that if we’re stuck, we simply need to think harder.
We need more information, another perspective, or perhaps a little more time.
And sometimes that’s true.
But other times, we’ve already gathered plenty of information. We understand our options, and we can see the potential consequences.
What we haven’t done is look inward and recognize the competing values that are influencing how we feel about those options.
And that’s why the decision continues to feel difficult.
Because no amount of additional analysis will necessarily resolve an internal conflict we haven’t recognized.
So the next time you find yourself going back and forth on a decision, consider the possibility that the real issue isn’t the decision itself.
Perhaps you’re trying to honor two things that matter deeply to you, and you haven’t yet recognized how they’re competing.
Perhaps you’ve been protecting one value while unintentionally compromising another.
Or perhaps you’re repeating a familiar decision-making pattern that you haven’t stopped to examine.
Whatever the case may be, I encourage you to get curious rather than frustrated.
Because sometimes, the moment you understand what’s really creating the conflict is the moment the decision begins to feel much clearer.
And that clarity doesn’t come from thinking harder. It comes from understanding yourself more deeply.
Ready to Discover What’s Really Driving Your Decisions?
If you’ve been struggling with a decision or simply want to understand yourself better, exploring your personal values is a powerful place to begin.
That’s why I created my free Personal Values Discovery Exercise, designed to help you uncover the values that influence your choices, priorities, and decisions, often without you even realizing it.
You can access it here: Download the Free Personal Values Discovery Exercise
And if you’d like to explore your values, competing priorities, and decision-making patterns more deeply, you’re always welcome to book a personal session with me.
Because sometimes, the clarity you’re looking for begins with recognizing something about yourself that you haven’t seen before.